k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
