I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
