Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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