Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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