this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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