I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
