so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
