my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
