I'm so fucking centered right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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