Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
