Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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