I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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