im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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