I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
