well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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