no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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