I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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