Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
