Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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