Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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