You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
