so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
