Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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