this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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