I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
