He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
