My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
