i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
