I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
And then he peed in my hair
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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