when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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