you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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