Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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