I smell stomach acid.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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