Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
