i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
