Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
