Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
