someone threw a dead crab at me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
