I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
