I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
