new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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