It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
