So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
