Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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