Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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