3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
