Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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