you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
