I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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