Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
