tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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